On Patience

Taken yesterday morning during my commute.

“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.” - John Burroughs, Summit of the Years*

This quote is life right now. Every day is too short. I cannot seem keep all thoughts I want to ponder in my head and they are too numerous to sit and write down (I’ve tried). And forget trying to follow any one of them to its conclusion. They swirl around contending, attempting to push others out. I remind myself this medley of thoughts and concerns isn’t permanent and in a few weeks/months I will no longer be required to dedicate time to some of them. I’m certain they have a mind of their own and the insistent, pushy thoughts (loud with minor value) know their resolution is coming and are in revolt. Not to be calmed not matter how many times I tell them to be patient and that they are not important. They must be worried over and disrupt. They will likely be replaced with equally boisterous and attention craving thoughts. I do hope those quiet, patient thoughts will hold out, as I do want to sit down and spend a good deal of time thinking about them. They are the ones I want to think about.

Don’t even get me started on all the books I want to read. I’m already on my 7^th book this year - I’m not even letting myself bemoan not having time for more reading. There will never be enough time for all the books – EVER.

What stuck me was that looking back from the ‘summit of the years’ Burroughs STILL felt there was not time. This means I will likely NEVER have time for all the thoughts, walks, books, and friends I want. Cue mourning and feelings of loss. Oh sorrow. If I do not get in the habit of making time now, it may never happen. But there is just so much to do!

My commute has a godsend in this respect. In no traffic Google estimates my commute takes 49 min. With traffic in the evening... much longer. It gives me solid uninterrupted time to think. In all the chaos around, I’m glad to remember each day is short, and to plan accordingly. I’m up and doing all I can. Apologies to all the thoughts, walks, books, and friends...I do wish there was time. I’m fitting in what I can.

And what I need will find me. The last year echoed constantly the need to slow down, be a little more patient, and still.

Also, I’m the newest John Burroughs fan. I’d better go buy all his books! Wait...shoot. To end, a poem by him. Written at 25.

Waiting

A poem by John Burroughs

Serene, I fold my hands and wait,
Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea;
I rave no more 'gainst time or fate,
For lo! my own shall come to me.

I stay my haste, I make delays,
For what avails this eager pace?
I stand amid th’ eternal ways,
And what is mine shall know my face.

Asleep, awake, by night or day,
The friends I seek are seeking me;
No wind can drive my bark astray,
Nor change the tide of destiny.

What matter if I stand alone?
I wait with joy the coming years;
My heart shall reap where it hath sown,
And garner up its fruit of tears.

The waters know their own and draw
The brook that springs in yonder heights;
So flows the good with equal law
Unto the soul of pure delights.

The stars come nightly to the sky;
The tidal wave unto the sea;
Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high,
Can keep my own away from me.

*I will admit, I saw this quote on Pinterest. It took several Google searches, finally did one in Google Scholar, before I could verify John Burroughs did in truth write the above. Sources people!Pleased to discover him though.

Goodbye Grad School

I planned to start with "life is chaotic of late", but I recall few times over the last years when life hasn't been chaotic. I seem to breed projects and lists like bunnies. I don't usually do the sane thing and simplify either. Everything is done the right way, while researching and selecting that 'right way' are tasks in themselves. It is no wonder I feel so fractured. Of late I'm reminding myself frequently of this quote from James E. Faust, "...my dear granddaughters, you cannot do everything well at the same time. You cannot be a 100 percent wife, a 100 percent mother, a 100 percent church worker, a 100 percent career person, and a 100 percent public-service person at the same time." I may not be able to do everything all at once, but when done sequentially I hope to fit a lot in this only life of mine. I need to graduate and clear my formal education time for other opportunities. To ensure graduation I received approval this week to switch from a thesis to an exam. Which I could have done all along, but I wanted to write the thesis...and make things as difficult as possible. Because I couldn't just write an 80 page paper. I prepared a 20 min visual presentation, did research to compile a bibliography of over 60 books and 35 articles, and outlined 15 potential chapters for my thesis. And that's before seriously absorbing what was in those books and articles. It wasn't a thesis. It was a dissertation or a life's work. I burnt out. And I've already done this once, I wrote almost 200 pages over something like 5 months last time, though most sections weren't directly connected, making it easier. Time to give myself a break this round. (Can you tell I'm still trying to justify it to myself a little? Despite the fact that in a few months it won't matter if I wrote a thesis or not.)

The exam will suit me better - a three hour exam on three themes, each involving multiple books and all the research I can do on each topic. It's doing research for three theses but only having to write for an hour each, rather than over 80 hours of thesis writing. It's the research and discovery part I enjoy most. And it's a huge relief. Yesterday I delivered all my paperwork to graduate studies. After running around campus all week, resisting my thesis advisor's sweet efforts to convince me to write the thesis because he's disappointed not to work with me on it and get read it, and spending a ridiculous amount of time sitting in hallways, I hope I've written my last check to the university. Burden lifted and I can now plan on graduating in May 100%. 

Goodbye university hallways!